I’ve worked as a resident doctor for almost a year, and there were many experiences that altered my brain chemistry. Here are some moments that forever changed me as a person.
Confirming a patient’s death for the first time
I cried. It was in the early days of my first ever rotation working as a doctor. A patient sadly passed away, and I was assigned to confirm their death. It was my first time doing it. I had a more senior doctor teaching me how to do it, step by step. While I was confirming the death, I was more focused on doing each step correctly e.g. confirming the absence of heart and breathing sounds by listening to the patient’s chest with my stethoscope. I was shaken, yes, but I didn’t cry then, no. It was afterwards; my senior doctor was calling the patient’s next of kin to give them the heart-wrenching news. I couldn’t hear what was said on the other end of the phone but there was no need. Their world must have shattered.
That’s when it hit me.
Someone’s father has died. Someone’s husband. Someone’s dear friend. Someone’s beloved uncle. A loved one. Gone. Forever.
My colleague asked if I was okay and if I needed to take some time alone. The tears didn’t fall until I was standing in the staff room, by myself. Tears turned to quiet sobs.
Someone just lost their life. My heart broke for his family and friends. My soul cried for him.
Getting shouted at by a senior
I also cried. It was during one of my on-call weekends so I was already feeling anxious and stressed from all the workload and constant bleeps. I was doing a ward round with a senior doctor. Not going into details but the senior doctor was unhappy with something minor I did. They didn’t completely raise their voice loudly at me but they did tell me off sternly, and it was obvious they were not happy at all. I felt like complete shit. (Thought it’s important to say that it wasn’t about patient care - no one was harmed, well, except me emotionally, I guess.)
All the stress from being on-call on a busy weekend and then being told off by someone senior took a toll on me that day, and I couldn’t help but silently cry in the bathroom.
Can you tell I’m a sensitive, little soul?
Let’s change things up and talk about some experiences that altered my brain chemistry in a good way.
Core memories that made my heart smile
A patient whom I took care of in a previous rotation months ago came back to hospital. I happened to be working in the department that she presented to. As soon as I entered her cubicle, her face lit up as she recognised me. We had a little catch up. I was simply happy that she remembered me.
I was telling a patient to come back to hospital next week for some further investigations, and she looked up at me with hopeful eyes and asked, “Are you going to be here next week?”. She looked sad when I said I won’t be (as I was moving to a different area of the department that week). I guess she liked me enough as her doctor to hope that I’ll be the one seeing her in her next appointment. My heart felt all warm and fuzzy.
Not a specific memory but I just feel extremely grateful every time a patient thanks me for doing something for them. It could be something small like handing them their prescription to taking care of their stay in the hospital. It’s truly a privilege to work as a doctor where patients are at their most vulnerable and sickest state, and you get to help them feel better.
One of the physician associate students that shadowed me told me that I was her favourite doctor in the department. She even bought me chocolates for my birthday, even though we’ve known each other for not more than a week. She’s honestly so sweet, and I felt really glad and grateful.
What are some experiences that changed you in one way or another?
With love,
Nana
P.S. I also published this post on Substack (here). I thought I’d repost it here for safekeeping as I don’t think I’ll be posting on Substack anymore.